Review: Love in the Time of Contempt by Joanne Fedler

When it comes to teenagers, truth is way scarier than fiction. Joanne Fedler draws upon her own current experiences as the parent of two teenagers, as well as interviews with other parents of teenagers to explore some of the numerous issues that one confronts as a parent of a teenager. In Love in the Time of Contempt, she skilfully guides us through the myriad of issues that come before you - from their changing, developing bodies, drinking and drugs, sex, friendships, appearance, relationships within the family, attitudes and ethics, schooling and authority and more. In her exploration of these issues and how they may manifest in our children, Joanne highlights how so much of our dealings with our teenagers is really about dealing with ourselves and being honest about our reactions. In turn we too examine our own values and behaviours to understand our lives together. Love in the Time of Contempt provides comfort and support as the reader recognises the real behaviours portrayed in the book (You are not alone!), and whilst there are not often easy answers to troubling behaviours, understanding goes a long way and empowers the parent to provide the right level of support in the best interests of all. How much and how little are questions which plague every parent and this book's wise counsel helps us to determine that for themselves.

While our teenagers wear their ‘no-one gets me’ attitude like a badge, as parents we long for reassurance that we aren’t alone; that someone else understands the fears and frustrations as well as the pride and joy brought into our lives by our teenage children.

Joanne Fedler’s book Love in the Time of Contempt: Consolations for Parents of Teenagers is a companion for parents of teens offering them the comfort of shared experience. Written with warmth, understanding, humour, honesty and a sense of mindful reflection, this book is like a conversation with a friend who is willing to bear her battle scars and share her triumphant (and not so triumphant) moments to encourage you as you navigate your own experience of parenting an adolescent.

This isn’t a ‘how to’ book for the parents of teens. Instead, it is a book that encourages us in our journey as adults – reconnecting us with our own adolescent angst and confusion and affirming that we are all still growing and learning. Together with our teens, we’re navigating new relationship boundaries and a new way of relating to each other and defining ourselves.

As I read through the book, I found myself underlining sentences and highlighting whole paragraphs that really struck a chord with me, not because Joanne and I parent our children the same way, but because I could relate to the mental and emotional experiences she shares, even if some of the physical situations were different.

Love in the Time of Contempt covers everything from physical to mental and emotional aspects of raising a teenager, both in terms of what your teen is going through and your own experiences as a parent. Adolescence is a period of great change for everyone in the household and I really appreciated the way Joanne shared her experiences of reassessing her own personal boundaries and priorities as she adjusted her parenting to better suit the new dynamics of her relationship with her teenage children.

Reading this book has made me more mindful of the spoken and unspoken messages I am giving my own children about my priorities and values. I have laughed, sighed, and nodded in agreement at various times and I know I will return to this book to gain insight into not only my children, but also into my own evolving identity, which is shifting from the all-consuming role of mother of young children to the much more autonomous role of mother of adults.

Reading this book left me wishing that I could catch up with Joanne Fedler for a coffee. That I could laugh with her over the ridiculous moments that inevitably occur in our lives as parents, be reassured when I share some of my doubts and concerns, and ultimately just chat about books and politics and life beyond children because parenting is as much about being distinct from my children as it is about being connected, especially with teens.

I can enthusiastically recommend this book to anyone with tweens or teenagers, or with friends who are dealing with teens. The book offers so much thoughtful advice for understanding your own motivations and knowing who you are as a person (rather than a parent), I’m sure that even those without children or with younger children would find information that was relevant and useful.

In conjunction with this book, Joanne is promoting a campaign to help parents connect with their teens called A Million Connected Parents. You can find more details on the A Million Connected Parents Facebook page.

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